Class, diet, family, friends and job

Problems: 

I have a second midterm tomorrow in my math class and I haven't studied one bit for it.My mind is overfilled with food frustration that I can't concentrate or have absolutely no desire to study.

My dad called earlier asking when I'll be back home. But going home means getting fed my mom's cooking. Which means absolute FAIL with my HCG diet. There's no breaks in this diet, so if I eat even a single rice, I know I will gain back my weight, lose motivation again and all hell  goes loose.

Not going home also means I won't be able to not only see my family but also wont be able to meet up with my old high school friends like I told them I would. Breaking promises and just getting their hopes up for nothing, not cool.

Been trying wanting to find a good salary job that's related to art (since that is my major). With very low motivation this whole summer I have not been productive at all, and thus I feel so stupid. Today has been one of the worst. 

Decisions:

I'll drop my math class. I know for sure that I am going to get a bad grade with this pace and therefore it is not worth over $2,000 tuition to get a sucky grade. I know I just wasted a lot of money, which is why I'm going to really find a job starting tomorrow.

Won't go home. Ah I can imagine my siblings sad faces when I tell them. I couldn't gather the courage to tell my parents about my diet, but I went as close as telling them I wanted to cook my own food while I'm back at home because my nutritionist told me so. Fail. My dad argued saying I should at whatever my mom cooks since I don't go home often. I understand where my dads going with this, but I cannot afford to top HCG diet right now. I have gone through 6days w.o. cheating, this is my one last chance for me.

Now I really have to find a job and work my butt off for the next month till school starts again. That's gonna be my only good reasonable excuse for not being able to go home. 

It all seems like I'm running away and quitting, but if anything, I do not want to quit my diet. My body right now is the most important thing to me. Friends and family and money is important too, but I know I won't be able to change if I go back home. 

Honestly, I want to just go back home: eat my moms delicious foods, meet friends I haven't seen for over months, spend time with family I get to see twice a year.

But I think this is what means to quit and give up. Give up on my body, the new me will never exist.

I'm scared of what my parent will say when I tell them the news... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

All because of me and my careless eating. 

Never ever ever will I go binging, everrrrrrrrr

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Comments

  1. bo989

    You parents dont know about the bngign so wont understand the diet.
    Food should not control your social life – something tha took me nearly 5 years to discover.
    Hun, I know this seems liek a quick fix – and it is if you are overweight maybe with not binging issue but your problem is binging i know its scary but you have to stop with the diets and chanceyour lifestyle. I knwo thats not what you want to here.
    I know what mind set you are in so i were you i wouldnt go hhome – finish thi phase – and then sort out the whole healthy lifestyle thing. How much longer in total do you have of the hcg?
    Art – illustrating, arcutecture, advertisement, t shirt buisness/bags, tattoo.. tattooing can be an aweome carreer if you eventaully opend up your own parlor.
    Errn, google the types of jobs where you can take art. And maybe if you have another passion you could incorporate it with that too? hope my shit advice helps!:P

    August 29, 2012
    1. sora224

      Thanks!, your words always helps
      Yeah… I think it’s wonderful how your dad is very understanding of your body and what you’re going through. Honestly, my parents do not know anything about what’s been going through my mind. It’s not that I don’t like them or anything, that’s just how it has been my whole life so it’s not like I can suddenly be open to them lol. But sometimes I envy some of my friends whose super close to their parents
      Well, that’s how I’d love to think as well but… I have yet to discover that myself lol. I’m sure after I’m done with this diet, my mindset will change somewhat
      I was gonna do HCG for a month, but now that I’m not going home, I might do it for a few more weeks, depending on how fast I lose weight.
      I googled and searched for photography jobs today but none of them were hiring, it’s hard to find an art job these days due to the economy. But for now, I want to just find some kind of a job and then find a job that I really want after I’m stable.
      Tuition is so high, I really need to earn some money lol

      August 30, 2012
      1. bo989

        Fair enough -im really sure what jobs are in the US.. but good luck.
        You should make a photography portfolio, and start offering to do things for free to start with and get some foundations you know? Just in your spare time and its another distraction from eating, taking pictures that is.
        My parents probaaly only understand because i was anorexia first you know? And I was bullied alot/nearly died due to heart and liver failure and then they saw me progress the other way s they are more understanding but only because of first hand experience that is why it is hard for you and your family. I am sorry – dw i dont get on with my parents either, dad is emotionally numb and a moody twat and mom, well lets not even go there… lol.

        August 30, 2012
        1. sora224

          Ah that’s a good idea- I really need to get back into photography. The long days of summer drifted me away from photography and what I used to love because I’m being so lazy these days. That’s another reason why I’m motivated to get a job so it actually pushes me to step up and get back on track with art.
          That makes sense although I guess what you went through really isn’t something to envy of… Sorry to hear that. At least that is all in the past and now your dad knows about your situation
          This blog is really the only place I share my thoughts on my body image. I haven’t told my friends either since I’m so embarrassed, let alone hang out with them this summer

          August 30, 2012
          1. bo989

            Google photography project – like series of photos. And make up your own projects, you never know you could get them seen if your good enough, or even set up a stall, print onto bags t-shirt. You’d be surprised how far you can take something if you have passion!
            I dont regret my eating disorder because its made me who i am but damn do i hate it.

            August 30, 2012
            1. sora224

              will do
              oh yes how I despise it as well lol

              August 30, 2012
  2. derek5842

    Sounds like you’re having a stressfull time right now. How strict is this HCG diet you’re on? Is the diet actually working? Sounds like you need to be on a different one. I am currently on some products that might spark your interest and they help to improve focus and energy while helping you lose weight.

    September 02, 2012
    1. sora224

      Yeah tell me about it… lol.
      It’s a very low calorie diet: 3 to 6 weeks (depending on how much you wish to lose lbs) of around 500 calorie and another 2 weeks of around 800 calories. Starch and sugar is an ABSOLUTE NO. I think this is what makes it so strict and hard for me…
      Oh what diet program are you doing?

      September 07, 2012