I have a second midterm tomorrow in my math class and I haven't studied one bit for it.My mind is overfilled with food frustration that I can't concentrate or have absolutely no desire to study.
My dad called earlier asking when I'll be back home. But going home means getting fed my mom's cooking. Which means absolute FAIL with my HCG diet. There's no breaks in this diet, so if I eat even a single rice, I know I will gain back my weight, lose motivation again and all hell goes loose.
Not going home also means I won't be able to not only see my family but also wont be able to meet up with my old high school friends like I told them I would. Breaking promises and just getting their hopes up for nothing, not cool.
Been trying wanting to find a good salary job that's related to art (since that is my major). With very low motivation this whole summer I have not been productive at all, and thus I feel so stupid. Today has been one of the worst.
I'll drop my math class. I know for sure that I am going to get a bad grade with this pace and therefore it is not worth over $2,000 tuition to get a sucky grade. I know I just wasted a lot of money, which is why I'm going to really find a job starting tomorrow.
Won't go home. Ah I can imagine my siblings sad faces when I tell them. I couldn't gather the courage to tell my parents about my diet, but I went as close as telling them I wanted to cook my own food while I'm back at home because my nutritionist told me so. Fail. My dad argued saying I should at whatever my mom cooks since I don't go home often. I understand where my dads going with this, but I cannot afford to top HCG diet right now. I have gone through 6days w.o. cheating, this is my one last chance for me.
Now I really have to find a job and work my butt off for the next month till school starts again. That's gonna be my only good reasonable excuse for not being able to go home.
It all seems like I'm running away and quitting, but if anything, I do not want to quit my diet. My body right now is the most important thing to me. Friends and family and money is important too, but I know I won't be able to change if I go back home.
Honestly, I want to just go back home: eat my moms delicious foods, meet friends I haven't seen for over months, spend time with family I get to see twice a year.
But I think this is what means to quit and give up. Give up on my body, the new me will never exist.
I'm scared of what my parent will say when I tell them the news... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
All because of me and my careless eating.
Never ever ever will I go binging, everrrrrrrrr